Sitting on a Bench with Jesus — The Night that Forever Changed My Life.

“It’s still there” I think to myself as I hold it in my hands.

Many things have come and gone in my life — but this — this is one of my most cherished possessions. It doesn’t cost more than R10 and could be easily tossed in the trash should someone not know the story behind this gift from my grandmother. Yet, this 100cm x 100cm croshered blanket means everything to me.

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It’s 29 years later. I’m sitting in my small apartment. It wasn’t much, but it was home. I lay down on my bed (which is more pink than I’ve ever publicly admitted) I gently place my headphones over my ears and begin to worship — well, not really worship, more listening to a worship instrumental as I prayed just above a whisper “God speak to me”

It had been years since I really prayed, sure I said the occasional prayer — but this was different.

It would be the difference between someone ending a call with “ok love you bye” and someone you saw yourself growing old with — looking into your eyes as they said “I love you”. This prayer was different. I wasn’t asking God for anything. All I wanted was to know Him again — to rediscover the relationship I shared with Him before I walked away and ultimately lost my way.

Suddenly, I feel the weight of someone lay down beside me — the warmth of their skin close to mine. My eyes jolted open as I began to panic — “Did someone walk into my apartment?” — my eyes frantically scanned the room “Nope. I’m still…alone?” I was so confused.

Curiosity won over my caution as I closed my eyes again. “It feels like someone is laying next to me..” I thought. Before the thought could finish forming I feel a hand begin to hold mine.

I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t nervous. I felt like I was holding the hand of someone I had known my whole life. I can’t remember how long we lay there — time honestly stood still — the only thing I was fully aware of was that “He” was there. With every door and window closed and my fan standing still — my hair began to blow in a gentle breeze. I lay there — so beautifully content in this moment, not wanting Him to let go.

I watch myself begin to leave my body and in a moment I’m sitting on a bench and next me was a man — I didn’t need to ask His name — I knew it was Jesus.

People always ask what He looked like when I share this story — and it’s the hardest thing to explain. The only way I know how to explain it was “as if everyone who had / does / will love you in your entire life loved you in the same moment — all at once” It was the feeling of perfect love. I couldn’t see the details of His Face — but as weird as it may sound to say “I saw love”

He began to speak to me as if He were my friend. He spoke about my childhood and my young adult life. His voice began to break as He spoke about the day “I walked away” and the painful choices I had made — I knew my actions had hurt him — but it became so real hearing Him speak about it. This forever changed my approach to sin — it became less about “messing up” and more “not wanting to wound the one I love” — While I still wrestled with my regrets, hope began to fill His Voice “Oh, there’s so much I could do through your life if you’d let me” He said with His voice hinting at a smile.

He held out His hand and in it lay a small seed. “If you plant yourself in a healthy environment I’ll make you flourish, all the potential within a seed means nothing until it’s planted. Only in the right environment can the seed begin to grow”

The next moments felt like I was in a scene of the movie Jumper. I found myself jumping to different moments of my life and seeing for the first time everything that could be — a highlight reel of what would be possible if I made a decision to be planted.

Tears began to fill my eyes as I said “But why me?” — I couldn’t understand why Jesus would want to talk to me — this encounter was something I’m sure many Christians would love to have — but why me? I felt so undeserving of this moment. Flip…I still had weed in my apartment somewhere. This “coming back to God” decision was still so fresh — I didn’t earn this moment. I hadn’t even prayed in a year. “Why Me?” I asked out loud — tears streaming down my cheeks.

In that moment I’m taken to my childhood bedroom. I was only 4 years old. I had somehow convinced my parents to buy me an extra pillow but didn’t explain why. I watched my little frame reach beneath the bed as I pulled out a colourful 100cm x 100cm blanket and lay it on the floor. I laid the pillow at the top and lifted my little face to heaven and said ‘Hey Jesus, I know you’re with me wherever I go… I’m going to sleep now, and I’m sure you must be tired. So I made you a place to sleep. Its not much, but I hope it’s okay? I love you — I hope you had a good day’ (I may or may not have ended that conversation with ‘oh and please take care of my husband wherever he may be’) lol.

He began to speak as the memory ended “..And Jesus saith unto him, The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.” — Even from a little girl, you’ve loved me. You could have asked me for anything — and yet your only concern was whether I had somewhere to sleep. You cared for me. You may have lost your way — but this is who you really are. And there’s so much I can do through a heart like yours and a life that is fully surrendered.” … He echoed his first statement “If you plant yourself in a healthy environment I’ll make you flourish, all the potential within a seed means nothing until it’s planted. Only in the right environment can the seed begin to grow”

That night I not only saw Jesus, I saw myself. The real me, and this moment changed everything. We spoke for a long time after this, we laughed and we cried like two friends who had been reunited after years apart.

When I came to it was nearly 5am. “I spent the whole night with Jesus” I laughed and smiled.

I knew I wasn’t the same girl I had been 8 hours before — something changed in me that night.

In the following week I found myself listening to many sermons — different years, different speakers, different topics — but in every single sermon for a week the preacher paused and said “If you plant yourself in a healthy environment God will make you flourish, all the potential within a seed means nothing until it’s planted. Only in the right environment can the seed begin to grow”

I felt like God was seriously double texting me haha. “I smiled and said “Ok, I got the message” — and planted myself in my home church — Rivers and didn’t look back.

Many people ask why I changed my name to Antionette. During this week — by God’s divine design — I became aware that my middle name meant “Flower or to Flourish” — it was the cherry on top of a night that changed my life. As if the encounter would be forgotten or I didn’t catch the phrases repeated in every sermon — He placed the promise in my name — in many ways a beautiful reminder that when I was born He knew the paths I would take and just like a seed — He hid my purpose and His promise in my name, at the right time in the right environment I would flourish.

So now, my only goal is to stay planted and allow the environment around me to produce what God placed within me.